Nikki Glaser is not exactly known for his political comedies. But when you stepped in to be the last guest host in Jimmy Kimmel Live! Thursday night, she quickly proved that there’s no one you can’t roast.
“I am the last guest of the summer,” improvisational comedy and FBoy Island said the host as she took the stage. “But fortunately, as a straight woman, I used to be last. Or not at all.”
Then, after sharing some “big Hollywood dirtbag news” about disgraced producer Harvey Weinstein, which included the hope that “please pull Epstein,” Glaser launched her “quick roast” of the country’s most powerful politicians.
It was an equal opportunity roasting process, which included as many brutal removals of Democrats as Joe Biden, Kamala Harris and Nancy Pelosi as it did to Republicans like Donald Trump, Mike Pence and Mitch McConnell. But there was definitely a somewhat plus to her joke lines about those on the MAGA side of the political spectrum. Below is a sample of her best jokes.
On Donald Trump: “Well, at least we now know the answer to the question, What if a bloated carcass of a pig on a factory farm could hold your camel?”
On Kamala Harris: I have a theory that we haven’t seen much of the Vice President lately because she’s sentenced herself to prison. I think she missed the rush of putting an innocent person behind bars.”
About Lindsey Graham: “Graham isn’t just his last name, it’s also how much methamphetamine to give his boy sex workers as advice.”
About Pete Buttigieg: “He’s proven that just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you’re cool!”
On Matt Gaetz: “What a ladies’ man. I mean, baby man.” And then, “You’d think he’d have better hair for someone so good at taking care of it.”
About Ted Cruz: “Everything is bigger in Texas, except for your wet sad dick.” And then, “Ted has of course gained a few pounds over the past two years. But that’s what happens when you constantly eat… Trump’s donkey.”
But Glaser reserved her harshest jokes for Representative Marjorie Taylor Green (R-Ge.), who said they were “proof that left and right can really come together,” adding, “I mean, just look in the eyes.”
“She’s of course anti-abortion,” Glaser continued. “Unfortunately, so was her mother.”
Finally, Glaser acknowledged that Green had had a “difficult week” after being hit twice. “It’s terrifying, and I’m so sorry for what happened to you,” she said. “But let me just say, what really could have happened to a stupid bitch.”
For more, listen to Nikki Glaser the last laugh audio notation.