How to prevent long-term consequences

  • Most siblings argue quite a bit, and these little fights can teach your kids how to resolve conflict.
  • Significant fighting, such as physical assaults, bullying, or theft, can lead to depression and alienation.
  • To manage constant rivalry, set clear rules, avoid taking sides, and work with a family therapist.

If you grew up with siblings – almost Four out of five Kids in the US do – you might remember the constant competition for food, parental attention, and of course the coveted video game controller.

Most cases of sibling rivalry involve quarrels or mild tension, such as gossip or jealousy over a sibling’s success. However, in some cases, this rivalry can become more intense. Among children in multi-child families:

  • at least 15th% Exposure to regular bullying from siblings.
  • Around 4% Exposure to physical attacks or injuries from siblings.

Your children may argue fiercely at every opportunity and not show each other affection. Or maybe you’ve noticed some one-sided aggression, with one child making fun of the other’s insecurities or stealing their possessions. This more serious conflict can affect a child’s mental health into adulthood.

Read on to learn more about the impact and causes of sibling rivalry, as well as some strategies you, as a parent, can use to counteract the ongoing competition in your family.

1. Depression

Siblings who obsessively compete with each other have Bigger chance Symptoms of depression, such as bad mood or low self-esteem, may appear. Depression can last from childhood until the end Late stages of life.

It can also be bullying between siblings Increase the risk of depressionAs well as self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Both those who engage in bullying and those who are targeted have worse mental health outcomes Of sibling rivals who “fight fair” with each other.

2. Weakest social support systems

Even if you treat both children equally, sibling rivalry can still sabotage your children’s social relationships.

a 2015 review It found that children who were targeted by sibling bullying had a higher risk of being bullied than their peers. Children who are bullied in multiple settings tend to have worse emotional health than those who are bullied only at home or only at school.

3. Long-term estrangement

When your children quarrel, they may ask you to choose a side. But if you support one child over another, you may alienate the other child. They may assume that you play favorite and possibly swipe or quit From all family members.

Expat siblings get together sometimes, but for many permanent rift. Choosing one child to “no contact” can leave everyone feeling lonely and stressed out. And as a parent, you may feel sad about the division in the family you built.

4. Conflict resolution skills

On the flip side, a little sibling rivalry can actually benefit your kids.

Can allow a small amount of conflict for children Practice conflict resolution skills Such as:

  • control their emotions
  • Understand other people’s points of view
  • negotiate
  • cooperation

Mastering these skills in low-risk situations can help siblings avoid more painful fights later. Can even light disagreement Siblings approximation at the long term.

What are the reasons for that?

Sibling rivalry can occur for a number of reasons:

  • Resource competition: Even the fairest and most attentive of parents Just so much time and money to put in. In essence, sibling rivalry is a competition to prove who deserves a bigger investment in parental support. This competition may wane as your children grow and become more independent – but some siblings may renew the battle over issues such as Inheriting family assets.
  • Social Comparison: according to social comparison theoryChildren measure their own abilities by comparing themselves to others – such as judging their athletic performance by their performance in a race on the field. The more your child and his competitors have in common, the more impact winning or losing will have on their self-esteem – and of course many siblings have a lot in common. children more like To see themselves as competitors when they have the same sex, to be born within two years of each other, and to share talents and hobbies.
  • adult effect: Sometimes well-meaning parents deliberately foster competition to motivate children. For example, you might tell a child who struggles with math to study hard so they can To be as successful as their siblings. But these comparisons can backfire and make kids feel incompetent and insecure.

When parents create and maintain conditions for competition, that competition often becomes “more persistent” or difficult to resolve before adulthood, he says. Dr. Naomi Torres Mackiepsychology in Lenox Hill Hospital Head of the research department at Mental Health Alliance.

How to deal with sibling rivalry

You have options for dealing with your children’s competition in beneficial and productive ways. These tips can help you.

1. Respect their individuality

“Children are less likely to fight if they feel that you value each one of them as an individual,” he says. Jordan MastrodomenicoClinical Director at check point.

In short, aim to respect children’s strengths and focus on how they develop over time – without labeling them as ‘smart’ or ‘funny’. For example, you can congratulate your son when he studied hard and improved his grades in history from C- to B +.

2. Explain why you treat them differently

Your children are separate individuals, and therefore they are likely to have different needs. For example:

  • An 8-year-old needs to sleep earlier than a 16-year-old because young children require more sleep.
  • A kid who always completes his homework on time can manage his own schedule, but the sibling who keeps skipping assignments may need regular check-ins.
  • An adult with a disability may need more financial support than a non-disabled sibling.

If you have to treat siblings differently, it is always helpful to explain to them why. If your children understand where this differential treatment comes from and realize that it is fair, they do less likely To take it seriously and lose self-esteem.

3. Setting ground rules

In general, it is best to allow children to sort out conflicts on their own. If you serve as a judge and jury in every fight, they won’t learn it solve their problems. In addition, the person who loses may accuse you of playing favorites.

Instead, consider coming up with “rules of engagement“Early on. Ask your children if things like swearing, hitting, or slapping doors should be prohibited. Then, get their input on what they consider a fair punishment for breaking every rule.

This way, when you have to punish a kid for pushing their sibling, you’re just enforcing the rules they’ve already agreed to — and you can always remind them that they made the rules themselves.

4. Don’t take sides

By the time your children reach adulthood, they will likely have developed the skills to resolve conflicts on their own. This means that your role as a parent must pass from referee to spectator.

However, sometimes rivalries go on, and your children can develop more sophisticated ways of drawing you into their disputes.

“You need to resist the temptation to ‘fix’ the conflict, as only adults can resolve it,” Kimberly Berlina social worker in a private clinic.

This means that you will want to avoid discussing a sibling behind their back or playing the messenger for them. Set boundaries early and encourage your children to discuss their problems directly with each other.

5. Get help if the fight gets too intense

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, sibling rivalry becomes intense enough that it requires professional support.

It may be time to consider family therapy if the rivalry:

  • keep going at least 6 months
  • Involves a distinct difference in strength, such as an older child bullying a younger one
  • Damage to a child’s self-esteem
  • triggered by symptoms of depression or self-injurious behavior
  • Causing bodily injury

A family therapist can do it providing support by:

  • Teaching children healthier conflict resolution skills
  • Helping children work to heal any emotional damage caused by competition
  • Teaching you productive skills to mediate in battles
  • Helping your children address underlying mental health issues, such as anger or anxiety

Informed takeaway

Sibling rivalry is very common, and you usually don’t have to worry about minor disagreement between your children. After all, occasional bickering can teach them valuable conflict resolution skills.

Some children can turn away from competition, and intense sibling rivalry can cause long-term emotional distress, not to mention disrupt the functioning of the family as a whole. If the relationship deteriorates enough, the siblings may decide to cut each other out completely.

As a parent, you can help manage sibling rivalry by teaching respectful behavior and encouraging your children to recognize their strengths and abilities. However, if the rivalry between your children gets out of hand, affects their mental health, or disrupts the family dynamic, a family counselor can provide more guidance and support.

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